“The five elements of intimacy”
The previous blog- ‘Relationships: unblocking 1.0’, was the start of creating an awareness for you, your relationships and how we function in this reality. This article dives a little deeper and gives you some elements to play with.
I believe that if you are reading this, you are looking for change and you are tired of being stuck in the same place. If this resonates with you, go right ahead and use these tools and see your world change. If what you read does not feel fun, feel free to skip and instead, choose what makes you lighter.
“Lighter= Truth; Heavier= Lies. Choose wisely, this is the greatest gift you can give yourself” – Ruhanie
This blog covers these five aspects of intimacy in relationships:
Honoring someone is treating them with kindness, respect and regard. This is the most obvious thing to do in a relationship yet it is one of the most uncommon practices in action.
We have to learn to honor our partner for who they are and not who you want them to be. Is it truly honoring of them if you are constantly wishing, pressuring or hoping for them to change one day? Will you only honor them if they finally change that one thing?
We often end up saying something unkind to our partners. Every time you’re about to say something to your partner, stop and think ‘is this comment going to make this relationship better? Will this contribute to my relationship’?
In honoring them, you also remember to honor yourself, treat yourself with regard, respect and kindness. This is not an either/or situation. Be aware of yourself and your requirements while you are being aware of theirs. Choose from awareness, not from the logic of right/wrong.
‘Trust’ is the most used and abused word in relationships. It can be misused to create emotional trauma, manipulate someone or even make them feel guilty.
We often say, ‘I trust my partner won’t do anything to hurt me’. Instead, let’s think about this statement: ‘I trust they will do what they think is best for them’ and that has nothing to do with me. Trust isn’t about ‘I’m marrying an alcoholic and I trust that my love will change him’. This is blind faith not trust. Trust is trusting that the other person will choose what they choose till they can choose it. He will choose to change only if he wants to, not because of your love.
This tool will help you not to jump to conclusions and judge everyone’s choices, but instead; honor them and trust that if they choose this, it could be for a reason that you don’t understand and your point of view does not allow you to see what they see. You can very well honor yourself and ask them questions, ask from a view of understanding them and creating intimacy rather than from a point of view of accusations.
The previous blog touched upon this theme. Allowance is the space of no right and no wrong, no good and no bad, no judgement of what anyone chooses to say, do or be. It’s all an ‘interesting point of view’.
Allowance is not aligning and agreeing (positive polarity) nor are you resisting or reacting (negative polarity).
Eg: if someone calls you a jerk you either accept that you are, or you deny it. But allowance is saying; oh wow! Okay, that’s an interesting point of view you have about me. You allow them to have that point of view and you let it pass, without it sticking to you in terms of acceptance or denial.
If allowance is just an interesting point of view, can they really ever hurt you? It is your own opinion and choice to be hurt by their words or actions. It is an interesting thing that they choose to do this to you.
Now, many will say that being in allowance almost makes you a doormat or shall we accept the things as they are? Allowance and acceptance are completely different things. Acceptance is you aligning or agreeing/ resisting and reacting to something, allowance is you receiving everything and still being in an ‘interesting point of view’. When you practice honoring, you will be in allowance of what the other person chooses, yet you can allow and honor yourself to say; ‘this does not work for me’.
This reality has made being vulnerable a weakness. On the contrary, you must have noticed that having barriers has only made it worse in relationships. Vulnerability is a potency that allows you to truly receive and be completely aware. The more you have walls up, the more you will resist/fight anything that comes your way.
We are oftentimes afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of showing too much of ourselves due to the fear of judgement or loss of a relationship.
What if you can be vulnerable in front of your partner and lower your barriers to allow them to see all of you, without makeup, on a bad day, instead of showing them someone they want you to be?
Vulnerability is not about telling everyone everything and expecting them to love you regardless. Vulnerability doesn’t mean you have to tell your partner everything, if it doesn’t feel expansive and if it wont contribute to the relationship why say it?
If you think it is ok to expect/ obligate others to make you feel better when you are vulnerable, that is emotional blackmail and not vulnerability. Be in allowance of what they can contribute without any expectations of a pre-decided outcome. Allow them to be a gift to you in whatever way it is.
Love is conditional but gratitude is expansive and inclusive.
Eg: I love you because you cook amazing meals, you help in household chores etc.
I am grateful for you and how you contribute to household chores.
Gratitude is a great tool as it cannot co-exist with judgement. You can’t criticize/ judge anything if you have gratitude for it. If you are constantly looking for your partner to change to give you what you deem as ‘love’ then you are not grateful for him/her. Love brings in judgement, manipulation and demands. Gratitude will only allow you to see what is expansive in their universe and yours.
You have to be grateful for who they are today in the present, not who they will be if they change x,y,z.. That is conditional love!
These five elements of intimacy are not only for you with another person. These 5 elements can be used to have a greater, more intimate relationship with yourself!
Wow! What can shift and change in your life if you had these 5 elements of intimacy with yourself? Let’s have a great relationship with ourselves before we look outwards trying to fix and heal all the other relationships in our lives.
What else is possible? How can it get better than this?